Where to begin...

It's been over seven months and I still don't really know how to begin writing this blog.

I could break down a chronological timeline of the events leading up to the day Sophia was born without a heartbeat. I started to, in fact, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of getting out what I have inside me. At some point, I will share those events; but for now, let me get this out.

I feel like I am walking around completely submerged in water. I can see only what's right in front of me, but even then, it is blurry. I can hear things, people talking, asking me things, but it's cloudy and muffled. Everyone around me is unaffected, but I am moving in slow motion. Everything around me is a blur. I can't breathe...

My hope here is to connect with other grieving fathers. There isn't a lot of support or materials out there for us. Or maybe there is, I don't know. I can't focus; can't research or plan; I can't think straight. I am not the same person I was on May 28th and I don't know if I will ever get any of that back. I have days where I feel like a hollowed out shell of a man...I walk through the halls of my school, feeling like I am not even there. I stand to deliver a lesson to my students, and I draw a blank. Our first daughter, Isabella, gives me strength. She now greats me with a running hug when I come home. But where you see one, there should be two. I kiss my wife, I feel and see the change in her. We are grieving parents. We lost our daughter. She was still, and we don't know why.

Until next time...

-Joe