Need to get back to where I was...

I had to go see my doctor today; I've got a pretty nasty case of poison ivy. The last time I was there was about a month or so before Sophie died. I started running and eating smarter in February of 2012. By May, I was down 40 pounds and dropped my cholesterol almost 18 points. I was very proud of myself and my doctor couldn't believe my transformation.

After she died, we were blessed by friends and family that brought us food. What else can you do when something so tragic happens? No card has the right words, no flowers smell good enough, they don't make balloons that say,"Sorry about your daughter." They brought food and we were grateful. We are giving in nature, so naturally, we shared the food with our nurses and anyone who wanted to sit and talk and cry with us.

I remember the first time I had eaten in what seemed like days (I still wasn't hungry, but scientifically I knew I had to get some nourishment). I took out my phone and started to record my food on the app I used and I thought to myself, "What's the point?" I stopped caring about diets and exercises and over time have put every last one of those pounds back on.

My doctor says to me today, "Don't be a stranger about those cholesterol tests, that's important." I know, Doc. After Sophie died, I stopped caring. "Yeah, tragedies like that tend to do that to us. You don't care because all you want to do is die yourself. But you don't die, you have to live. For her, for your wife, for your other daughter." I guess that means it's time for that change, time to get back at it and get healthy. As motivation for myself, I am planning absolutely no research into the fact I've convinced myself is true: If you are heavy, they can't use your organs in donation. When I die, I told my wife to give whatever is still usable. If my eyes can help a child see, if my liver can save another father, if my lungs can help someone take a breath of fresh air, make it so.

It's also the night of the first day of school. Today was a good day, I have great groups of kids and I feel like this year will be better than last. I still struggle with bouts of uncertainty and doubt. As I sit here and type, there are moments when I know exactly what I am doing tomorrow and for the rest of the week and moments where I am drawing a complete blank. This will be my biggest struggle this year.