I've ridden my bike 144.5 miles so far this summer. I have a feeling I may have set my goal of 1000 miles a bit high. I thought that once I finished my professional development for school that I would have all this time to dedicate to riding.
When Sophia died, I had this strange sensation of losing time. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I had a watch on, and this was the only way I could tell what time it was. When I finally did fall asleep, it was usually during the daylight hours, and when I'd wake back up it would still be light out. The night we came home from the hospital, my wife's blood pressure spiked, so we had to call an ambulance and go back to the hospital. We arrived in the emergency room at about 12:45 or 1 in the morning. They re-admitted us and we got moved back to the eighth floor and when we stepped off the elevator, I had to shield my eyes because I had no idea the sun was up. Among all the other emotions we were experiencing, it was a very confusing time.
I got rid of that watch. Looking at it reminded me of those times I'd spend staring at it and hoping I would die. I also put away the green collared shirt I was wearing that day. I wore it the day our first daughter was born and thought it would be a nice picture to compare the two pregnancies. I still pull it out every now and then to see if it smells like Sophia. It doesn't.
So much of life has been a blur since last May 29th. I feel like it is impossible that more than 365 days have passed. I feel like she was here, in my arms, just yesterday. I reflect on my life over this past year and I can't believe what has happened. I have grown spiritually and closer to God. I changed school districts and now teach what I've wanted to do for the last five years. My wife has begun working on her Master's Degree in counselling, and we are beginning to lay the ground work for starting a non-profit organization promoting random acts of kindness.
I feel like the point of this entry has been lost. I had a direction I wanted to go here, but I lost it. Like many of the days I've had since Sophie died, sometimes I just blank out and the world-changing ideas I have flying through my head get lost among randomness and other ideas. Maybe a solution should be to update posts as I have them.
I miss you, my sweet angel. I can't wait to see you and hold you again. My eyes burn and my heart aches for you...
